Getting Over the Hump
I am happy to report the a change in my outlook the past few days. That phrase of "getting over the hump" is used to refer to turning forty, the days after the Summer Solstice, and getting through a rough winter. My mind has been applying this same get-through-it mentality to my artwork, school, job search, and spiritual dryness. It has seemed like I am in a valley, surrounded by mountains and mountains that all need much ascending before I can even fathom gliding again. I kept telling myself, "If I could just... then..." There is some threshold I am trying to push past in order for things not to be so oppressive or unknown.
For painting in particular, I have had a grandiose goal of production and inspiration that I haven't believed would arrive until I some crucial turning point. I don't think art production or life really works in such defined terms of ups and downs. My passions, inspiration, and desires have lacked some luster the past few months really. I've been waiting for "that moment" when it all turns around. Heres the truth: life is hard. Life takes some climbing.
Because my work (again, this applies to school, Bible Study leadership, painting, quiet times etc) has not been fruitful from my perspective recently, the idea of approaching it is discouraging and seems pointless. The words echoing in my head throughout this season are PRESS ON. The majority of life is not about coasting. We are told that in this world we will have troubles. What I have learned the most in this season is that even though the climb is laborious, it will not and cannot overcome us if our hope is not grounded in this world.
If my hope truly is in Jesus Christ, there is hope beyond the day to day difficulties. We are called to work, whether it is literally tilling the ground, getting our hands dirty, or going to the studio to paint. An important point to mention is we are not called to save the world- that is work that has already been done. Nor are we called to go it alone- that is the responsibility of the greater Body. And so we press on...I am happy to report my professor said I have "hit a breakthrough" in my painting in the last two weeks. It has been a while since I have felt a desire to be in the studio painting- it is finally back, if even just in hints. What prompted it I think was mostly just letting go.
Professor Geiger suggested I do 4 paintings with a quota of 15 minutes spent on each. I want to point out two things:
There was NO way I could try to shoot for the perfect composition or color or definition. Perfectionism took a back seat.
It was production for the sake of exploration.
Even though last semester was an independent study and supposedly all about exploration, I still felt a pressure to produce something significant to decide a direction for my senior show. This quick exercise broke those two pressures I self-imposed. I see my art experience translate to spiritual life as well. I notice myself feeling captive to the idea of perfection in how I engage the world as a Christian. I want to live into the standards of perfection this world sets and even the Christian culture sets. When I don't meet them or desire them, I feel paralyzed. Secondly, it takes courage to explore and not feel like all of our decisions are life-changing. I think there is a reason God allowed Adam and Eve to live in such a beautiful garden - we are called to explore!
I feel like I can breathe again. I don't know if life is always an uphill or downhill or plateau or whatever. I do know I'm glad we are called to keep walking and are promised a life showered in abundant grace. Photos to come of my quick compositions...